You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
