I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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