If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
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