Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
