So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Sorry about my life...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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