Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
