i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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