The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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