Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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