I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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