Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
