why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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