Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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