he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
