New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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