Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
