She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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