his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
