Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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