new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
