Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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