I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
