Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
