Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
