I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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