Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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