So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
