she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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