Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
