i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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