mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
