oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
