Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
