I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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