Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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