Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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