i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
