maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Im part way to drunk.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
