So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
