Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
