Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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