Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
