Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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