Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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