I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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