i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
