Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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