everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
