so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
