Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
